…because you’re David Suzuki

 

He's not just right, he's willing to put you in jail to prove it.

Recently I posted about Canadians. It had to do with their smugness. The rude way they parade their politeness. Their smugness. Their spineless inability to refuse even the most ludicrous politically correct demand.

I think I may have also mentioned their smugness.

Anyway, it seemed only fair that the next post should attack the Americans. I was looking forward to it. There’s lots of fun things to say about them: gun crime, bizarre election rituals, an obsessive need to plaster American flags on anything that stays still for more than a minute. 

But then something happened on Twitter.

You see, in my completely objective and scientifically verifiable analysis of Canadians, I happened to mention David Suzuki. Just in passing, mind you. Nothing much more than a warning that prolonged exposure to him can cause loss of rational thought and a compulsion to swallow large amounts of propaganda.

That was about it.

But a few hours after posting, I received a Twitter notice saying that I was now being followed by his Foundation.

You know — the David Suzuki Foundation.

That’s the foundation Suzuki formed in order to tell everyone exactly how they must think and behave. The foundation that he’s publicly stated is funded only by ordinary people because “corporations have not been interested in funding us.” The foundation that receives funding from over 50 corporations including EnCanada (a leader in natural gas production), ATCO Gas (the main distributor of natural gas for Alberta), and OPG (one of the world’s largest electricity suppliers with five plants burning fossil fuel). 

C’mon. You know the foundation. 

Anyhow, it’s now following me, and by association, so is David Suzuki.

What I figure happened was that the David Suzuki Foundation (which is named after him because — well, you know…he’s David Suzuki) has a ‘bot which looks for his name in Tweets and automatically follows the person who Tweeted. Twittered? Whatever. In any event, it  means he either has such an enormous ego he believes that anything said about him must necessarily be good, or he simply wants to keep an eye out for people who disagree with him so he can put them in jail along with politicians who don’t toe his party line. 

I figure it’s the second reason.

Also the first.

Whatever the reason, however, I am now being followed by David Suzuki. 

It’s an odd feeling. It’s kind of like being chased by a chimpanzee with a stick.

But perhaps I should explain that remark.

Back in the early ’80s I was watching a TV program about chimpanzees and how peaceful they were and how evil and violent humans were. While showing a clip in which one chimpanzee with a stick chased another chimpanzee (without a stick), the voice-over calmly explained that this was an example of their non-aggressive nature because…well, can you guess? Before I tell you, try figuring it out for yourself. How can one chimpanzee running after another chimpanzee trying to hit it with a stick not be aggressive or violent?

Give up? Because the chimpanzee with the stick never actually hit the chimpanzee he was chasing.

Really. That’s what he said. It wasn’t violent because the chimpanzee he was trying to beat the brains out of was too fast.

That bully who chased you all through grade school but was so fat he could never catch you? Not violent. That guy who shot at you but missed? Not violent. That terrorist who set the timer wrong so his bomb exploded before people had arrived at work? Not violent. Nope.

Or maybe they are. Maybe this “get out of violence free” card only applies to non-humans.

Somehow, I think it does.

In any event, as I watched the footage and listened to the rather startling conclusion being conveyed by the narrator I though, “Holy shit! This guy has got an agenda — and it’s not particularly favourable to humans.”

The show was The Nature of Things, and the narrator, of course, was David Suzuki.

And as it turns out, he does have an agenda.

And it’s not particularly favourable to humans.

But where he was once just a host for a nature show, now he’s the leader in a whole pack of chimps with sticks chasing the rest of us back to the stone age. And none dare contradict him because that gives him the chance to catch up to us and lay on a walloping.

You see, until confronted, he’s not violent. But whoa to the person who stops long enough to point out that not only is the science of man-made climate change not settled, but that there are an increasing number of scientists who are now risking their careers to speak out against it; that year after year, measurements and charts continue to show far more significant correlations between sunspot activity and global temperatures than through C02 emissions. That in fact, the Earth has not been warming for some time, the ice in Antarctica is getting thicker as fast as it’s thinning (in a natural cycle), and that computer models are not as reliable as real-life observations.

You bring up that kind of stuff and you’re just asking for the stick. 

But that doesn’t mean he’s violent.

At least, not until he catches you.

Tagged: chimpanzees, david suzuki, fraud, global warming, monkeys, smug

Posted in: • No category, Section C: Humour