Injustice Arrested in Toronto
By Blatchie Christford
Toronto, Canada — Following on the heels of the arrest of Roman Polanski, another long-sought fugitive from justice will finally be brought to trial.
Injustice (no last name), wanted on a list of charges that has been growing exponentially since the dawn of time, turned himself in at Toronto Metropolitan Police headquarters yesterday at 4:45 pm.
“It was quite a surprise,” said the officer on duty, Sergeant Michael O’Leary. ” I mean, — Injustice. You know? The guy’s an Immortal. If he doesn’t want to get caught, there’s not much we can do about it. In that sense, he’s kind of like Superman — or a financial advisor.”
Within minutes of the arrest, a crowd began forming outside, and by six o’clock College Street was blocked with protesters carrying signs saying, “Toronto for the Pan Am Games 2015,” “Islam is a religion of peace– Death to America!” and “We love Avril.”
Accompanying Injustice were several members of his immediate family, most notably his long-estranged twin brother, Justice, who took a few moments to address reporters before entering the building.
“While I have always deplored my brother’s actions, I am proud that he has finally decided to be responsible for them. I was also touched when he asked that I personally attend his hearing.”
Because the scale of the charges against Injustice is so vast, officials have elected to charge him only with some of the more enormous crimes with which he has been accused: six million counts of murder in the Holocaust, 13 million counts of murder during the time of slavery in the United States, 75 million counts of murder through the Black Death, and 300,000 counts of genocide during the reign of Idi Amin.
Defending Injustice is Frank Lee MeiDere who, although not a lawyer in real life, has always believed he could play one on TV.
“I’m tall and I can stride across a courtroom very effectively,” said MeiDere, after putting down his “We love Avril” sign. “Plus? I’ve repeatedly watched the episode of the Dick Van Dyke Show in which Rob Petrie sues the guy who sold him a pillow that was supposed to be filled with goose down, but was in fact stuffed with cheap, chopped chicken feathers.”
In an unprecedented move, Injustice’s arraignment was held at the precinct house where he entered a plea of Not Guilty to all counts. While Injustice was removed to the Don Jail, Mr. MeiDere delivered the news of his plea to the crowd, which responded to it with renewed protest.
“Save the coyotes in Rouge Park!” yelled some, “Reduce tuition fees!” yelled others.
When pressed for his prediction on the outcome of the trial, MeiDere told reporters, “The average Canadian is intelligent and well-informed. I am confident that a jury will find my client innocent. At the very least, I’m hopeful that a jury will find their way to the courthouse.”
The trial is set to begin on Thursday.
Injustice Trial Begins
By Blatchie Christford
Toronto, Canada —
Courtroom 33 in Old City Hall has been the site of many notable legal dramas, the most famous being the 1962 trial of Robert Turpin and Arthur Lucas, the last men to be executed in Canada. It is rumoured that their ghosts still haunt the site and judges have reported feeling their robes being tugged when no one is around.
Whether or not they’ve been present in the past, however, there was no sign of Turpin and Lucas yesterday — perhaps because they’d been displaced by the overwhelming number of other ghosts awaiting their turn on the witness stand. With the charges against Injustice reaching back for centuries, the lawyers for the Crown argued that they could not effectively prosecute their case without a special dispensation allowing them to call on long-dead witnesses. To that end, they approached the Holy Trinity who, through their divine powers, agreed to temporarily resurrect anybody willing to testify against Injustice.
“We were extremely happy that the Holy Trinity took time from their busy schedule to give us an audience,” said Crown attorney Hamilton Burger. “After hearing our plea, Pitt, Jolie and Gore were most gracious in granting our request.”
But while the presence of semi-transparent people ranging from 20th century Holocaust fatalities to 14th century plague victims was admittedly unusual, more unusual still was the unorthodox defence launched by Frank Lee MeiDere on behalf of his client. After his opening remarks, in which he claimed the entire case against Injustice was based on mistaken identity, he and Injustice spent most of the trial quietly ignoring the proceedings while reading and trading superhero comic books. When it came time for cross examination, MeiDere’s contribution consisted of little more than a few random questions having little or nothing to do with the case.
His exchange with Esther Rosenberg, a citizen of Prague who died during the Warsaw Ghetto Uprising of April 19, 1943, was typical:
MeiDere: Yes, uh. You know, you really should have tried to escape.
Rosenberg: That’s what we were trying to do!
MeiDere: Well, surely you could have gone to government officials. Were there any troops in the area who could have protected you?
Rosenberg: It was the soldiers who were killing us!
MeiDere: Oh. Right. I confess, history is not my strong suit. Just one more question. Who do you think would win in a fight between Spiderman and Batman?
Burger: Objection! Relevance?
MeiDere: It speaks to my theory that even though Spiderman has extraordinary powers, Batman’s ingenuity gives him an edge.
Judge: Sustained. Please restrict yourself to questions pertinent to this trial, Mr. MeiDere.
MeiDere: Oh, well. That’s all I guess.
The trial is expected to conclude on Monday.
Injustice Trial Ends
By Blatchie Christford
Toronto, Canada — With the last of the prosecution witnesses having finished their testimony, and a complete lack of defence witnesses, the trial of Injustice came to a dramatic end today when Frank Lee MeiDere gave his summation to the jury, the full text of which appears below.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. You have but one question to answer: have the people giving testimony over the past week, some living, some dead, suffered at the hands of Injustice?
You have heard how many were sold, shipped across the ocean, and sold again to plantation owners and captains of industry where they lived their lives in slavery — many hundreds of thousands dying in the process. You have heard how they were whipped if they attempted to learn to read, while the person teaching them was put to death.
You have heard the plight of the Jews, Jehovah’s Witnesses, gays, gypsies, and numerous other groups who were taken into custody and slain in the gas chambers of Hitler’s Germany.
You have heard from citizens of the former Soviet Block who faced the constant fear of arrest and banishment to Siberia for the simple crime of criticising government policy.
You have heard all of this, from the mouths of those who suffered these atrocities, and you must now decide: were they victims of Injustice?
And the only answer you can give is “no.”
It was Justice that oppressed all these victims. It was the law of Germany that the Jews be murdered. It was the laws of the Arab countries and of the United States that allowed millions of human beings to be bought and sold in slavery. It was the laws of the Communist state which decreed the terror under which its citizens lived.
And what of those who suffered under the plagues and diseases throughout history? These too were brought about by the hands of Justice. It is through the laws of Nature that people are infected with viruses and bacteria that leave their bodies wasted and burning with fever.
Was Injustice active during these events? Of course. It was Injustice that inspired the Underground Railway, the heroic escapes across the Iron Curtain, the rescues of so many condemned under the Third Reich.
It is also Injustice that inspired the men and women of science who ceaselessly work to fight off the natural effects of disease.
The defence has claimed all along that the case against Injustice is one of mistaken identity, and through the words of the prosecution witnesses themselves we have proved this contention.
Your criminal here is not Injustice, but his twin brother, Justice.
At the time of this writing, the jury was still deliberating its verdict.
In the meantime, what’s your judgment?