The bloggers at HBDC (Humor Blog Dot Com) recently decided to go on a virtual road trip in order to learn more about each other and broaden our knowledge of the world — without having to stand in line at an airport carrying our shoes and shampoo bottles.
Our route will take us from Toronto down the eastern seaboard, through the Midwest up to Oregon, east across Canada to Quebec, and finally across the ocean to good old London town. It’s not a particularly sensible route, but then we’re not particularly sensible people.
So let me welcome you to Toronto. My hometown. The city which has taken my youth and hopes and dreams, chewed them up, and spit them out saying, “Needs more salt.”
A brief history

The tall object in the middle is the CN Tower and the rounded object to the left is the Domed Stadium -- an arrangement that isn't at all phallic.
The first European to set foot on the land which, in the fullness of time, would one day become the city of Toronto, was Etienne Brule. Brule was one of the many courier de bois, early French explorers who learned about the New World by living with the Indians, speaking their language, and becoming absorbed into their culture — although in Brule’s instance, the “absorption” part was perhaps taken too far when his hosts killed and ate him.
In the years since Brule’s appearance as the main course at a tribal feast, important historical events have occurred and a great many buildings been erected. The result is the Toronto we know today: a mighty city in which hardly anyone is both killed and eaten anymore.
Transportation
To explore the city, we’ll take public transit, or as we call it, the TTC (Toronto Transit Commission). The TTC is an impressive network of buses, subways, streetcars, and something called “light transit” (a subway built to HO scale).
When I first moved to Toronto in 1971, the TTC was using the popular Presidents’ Conference Committee streetcars, more commonly known as PCC or, during rush hour, “road blocks.” They were designed in the ’30s by a committee formed by the presidents of various American electric rail companies. During the ’70s, the PCC car became better known as the Red Rocket, a term now applied to TTC vehicles in general.
In the late ’70s, the TTC replaced its fleet of streetcars with the CLRV, or Canadian Light Rail Vehicle, designed right here in Canada. When filled to capacity, one CLRV can carry 70 passengers: a number deemed illegal in a room of similar size, but apparently completely safe in a swaying piece of tin that doesn’t have a steering wheel.
Although the subways are wisely shut down before last call in the pubs, thereby encouraging drinkers to use their cars to get home and save wear and tear on the transit system’s poorly-maintained fleet, many of the major routes have 24-hour bus and streetcar service. In keeping with the outer space imagery suggested by the “rocket” terminology, these vehicles are referred to as Vomit Comets.
The reason is left as an exercise for the class.
Of course, while we enjoy complaining about the service, and despite the fact that it is one of the most under-funded transit systems in North America, it must be admitted that the TTC provides a convenient and affordable way for all Torontonians to be late for everything.
Landmarks
Casa Loma: If you build it, he will come
Canada is part of the British Commonwealth, and while we’re still proud of that fact, it doesn’t mean as much now as it did in the early part of the 20th century. Streets were named after kings, queens, princes and princesses, cornerstones bore the initials of whichever monarch was in power at the time, and a visit by members of the royal family was regarded as only slightly less important than the Second Coming. And while it was not customary for visiting royalty to stay at private residences, in 1911 a financier named Henry Pellatt came up with what he considered to be an infallible scheme to change that.
To this end, he commissioned the famous architect, E. J. Lennox to build Casa Loma, Canada’s only functioning castle.
Well, mostly functioning.
Work began in 1911 and continued for three years with over 300 workers. Unfortunately, the onset of WWI put a halt to construction, meaning that much of the interior work was never finished. Nevertheless, with 98 rooms, well-equipped horse stables, and an oven large enough to cook an ox, it was still an impressive achievement. Sadly, Pellatt himself only lived in the castle for ten years before he was forced into bankruptcy. The building rattled around for a while like a faded dowager trying to recapture her glory days — serving as a hotel for a few years and later as a popular night spot — but in the end the Depression forced it to close down completely and in 1933 the city took it over for the back taxes. In 1937, however, it was leased to the Kiwanis Club on the provision that they would restore it to its original condition. Since then, Casa Loma has been one of Toronto’s most popular tourist attractions.
Royal Ontario Museum
Opened in 1914, the Royal Ontario Museum is Canada’s largest museum, and continues to bring knowledge and education to those rich enough to pay the exorbitant entry fees. The building itself is as much loved as the exhibits it holds, so that while the peasants may not be able to actually go in, the neo-Romanesque facade can still make them feel proud as they pass by on their way to working in the fields.
While the original building is still there, it’s undergone a number of expansions, the first in 1933 when, to employ as many people as possible during the Depression, much of the digging was done by hand. The new addition was so skillfully blended with the old that to the untrained eye there is no difference.
In 1984 another expansion took place, this time adding glass terraces to the north side of the building. The original outside walls remained intact and because they were now inside, visitors could view them up-close all the way to the top.
The most recent expansion is now essentially complete. The new addition was designed architect Daniel Libeskind and Bregman + Hamann Architects, all of whom were apparently rather badly frightened by large pieces of quartz as children. The result is a cross between classical architecture and steroidal rock candy. According to Libeskind, he “designed the museum on the back of a napkin during a wedding,” which has led one critic to point out that “the building looks a bit like a starched napkin that’s been set aside while the diner goes to the bathroom.” On the other hand, Ryan McGreal notes that due to its materials, it should “age and weather like a heroin addict.”
The rest of Toronto
There’s much, much more to see in Toronto, and definitely much more to do. Our annual Caribana parade and Gay Pride March are attended by millions of people from all over the world. Of course, with this many people you get the occasional spot of violence. Most years see one or two people shot or knifed during Caribana, while the Gay Pride activities invariably result in a dozen or more bitch-slappings and sometimes hundreds of hissy-fits.
Unfortunately, there just isn’t enough time or space to go into it all. From sitting in a streetcar watching traffic inch by to dodging bullets as the steel-drum bands play, there is no excuse for being bored in this great city.
Continue the HBDC Virtual Road Trip on June 3 by visiting Unfinished Rambler’s blog where he’ll take us through Pennsyltucky.
Please post your comments, share your own Toronto stories, or just say hi.
chowner
May 31, 2009
Of course, we in Toronto also have a rich sports history. The once mighty Toronto Maple Leafs now suck and probably will for the rest of my lifetime. Then there are the Toronto Blue Jays, who I love. They show flashes of brilliance, but aren’t back to elite level yet. Soon I hope. We also have a mediocre NBA team, The Raptors, and a CFL team, the Toronto Argos (Canadian football for you Americans). Oh, how could I forget, we now have our very own MLS team, Toronto Football Club.
Go Jays!
probablydontlikeyou
May 31, 2009
Hmm. A sports fan.
Still, you’re right about the Leafs. I’ve always felt somewhat responsible for that. Back when I was a kid I watched hockey faithfully, and the Leafs were (for reasons I can no longer recall) my favourite team. After they won the Cup in Centennial Year I lost interest and stopped watching. Since then they’ve never done it again.
unfinishedrambler
June 2, 2009
As a young Boy Scout I attended a Camp called Camp Brule, probably named after Etienne Brule. Nice to know where the name originated after all these years. Sorry to hear he was eaten though by the Native Canadians.
probablydontlikeyou
June 2, 2009
Bet you’re thinking about those campfire stews a bit differently now, aren’t you?
VE
June 3, 2009
Excellent. I like Toronto…but not in January when my pants freeze stiff walking from the hotel to my rental car! Pass the Tim Bits…
nonamedufus
June 3, 2009
I love downtown Toronto – the buildings and restaurants. The architecture of Queen’s Park, Union Station, the King Edward for example is striking. And the kids always loved Center Island, Ontario Place and Canada’s Wonderland. These are some of the things I miss about Toronto. The one thing I don’t miss is the rush hour traffic on the 401! Good overview.
ReformingGeek
June 3, 2009
I am so glad that you no longer eat people up there. I might actually visit some day, in the summer of course! It’s interesting that you teach in a castle. Not too many people can claim that!
Nice job!
kitsimpson
June 3, 2009
Not actually in the castle — at the foot of the castle. Now teaching in the castle would be very cool.
tiggyblogwp
June 5, 2009
There’s half-naked homeless guy who wears a santa hat and wanders around the entertainment district – now there’s a landmark!
probablydontlikeyou
June 6, 2009
Yes, that’s “Zanta.” Strange dude — been banned from a lot of locales now. But he’s got nothing on Alexander, a homeless guy from the ’70s who used to do a strange snorting ritual while putting his hands on a fire hydrant in order to exorcise the “demons of Ford” from Yonge Street. He also claimed to have met the owners of the Earth, “not the renters, but the owners.” Miss him.
hit 40
June 6, 2009
146 IQ? You need to meet supersperm. He has an IQ that is in that range.
ettarose
June 8, 2009
Hey Frank, this thing seems to be going well. I would one day like to at least visit Canada before I die, which if I don’t soon find work I may just take an early bus ha ha. It sounds like a city I would love. Good job!
JuliaD
June 8, 2009
very good post! and very well writteen! good job.
kitsimpson
June 8, 2009
To Hit 40: I don’t think I want to meet supersperm. If he’s smarter than I am, I’ll be jealous. If he’s not as smart as I am, then I’ll look down on him. And if he’s exactly as smart as I am then there’s no point. Besides, with a name like “supersperm” how smart can he be.
Etta: If you ever make it up to Toronto let me know. I’ll make sure I get dome time to at least have a coffee with you.
JuliaD: Well thank you. Thank you very much.
00dozo
April 9, 2010
I love this post! And the ‘snarkastic’ comments, too funny and so true. I used to live and work there several years ago but moved away and did not get the opportunity to see the expansion to the ROM. In hindsight, that opportunity was not a lost one.
“Vomit Comet” – LOL!!! I worked in downtown Toronto for a few years, near King and Bay Streets. I lived in what was then called North York and conveniently near the subway station. That was when I was young. And naive. I bought my first car and as cocky as I was then, I decided to drive to work one day. As you can guess, I arrived late to work and ended up paying $8.00 for parking for the day (and that was expensive at that time). I did that only once.
I no longer live in Canada, but thank you for the pictures (and captions): nostalgic.
Frank Lee MeiDere
April 9, 2010
You’ll be happy to know (or not) that it’s still called North York, but I think it might be pretending to be a “city” now rather than a borough. Ha! City. As if. Glad you liked the post, though. It was put together pretty fast and I’ve never really been happy with it.
And $8.00 parking? For the day? You definitely lived here “several years ago.”
00dozo
April 10, 2010
I remember that the boroughs changed to cities some years ago. But referring to the old or original geographical locale is easier than answering the inevitable follow-up question, “what part?”.
I used to be a legal secretary in real estate and it was very annoying when the boroughs went to cities because the term “formerly known as…” was required in the legal description for title documents. I can’t imagine what is required today since the “cities”, formerly “boroughs”, merged to become (formerly known as) Metropolitan Toronto, which is now known as the GTA. Oy.
Pardon the verbosity.
Yep, eight bucks. Talk about dating onself. But if you look at my very first comment on your blog (in another post), I’ve already done that.
Your tour of Toronto, regardless of being done hastily, is still hilarious and, I might add, one of the best I’ve read on the road trip. (Okay, I’m biased.) Right now, I’m still in Phoenix.
.
Frank Lee MeiDere
April 10, 2010
When you’re finished the road trip, you can download our souvenir book which contains all the entries, plus cartoons introducing each stop along the way.
Glad you’re enjoying our tour. It was fun.
One of my favourite “formerly known as” was Prince. First he changed his name to an unpronounceable symbol and so had to be referred to as “The artist formerly known as Prince.” Then he changed back to Prince, and many sources then called him, “The artist formerly known as an unpronounceable symbol.”
00dozo
April 11, 2010
Heh heh. Prince is just weird. I do like some of his music though.
Thanks for iink. Cartoons too?? I love cartoons. I noticed some bloggers that were supposed to post didn’t, so got lost after Maine. I would have liked the London tour. I’ve always wanted to go there but, alas, I have a dreadful fear of flying.
I’m still haunting your archive. All great and funny stuff.
00dozo
April 11, 2010
Um, I meant, “link” (damn, i need new eyeballs).
Frank Lee MeiDere
April 11, 2010
Actually, I think iink is a new product from Apple.