I’m drunk.
Well, I’ve had several glasses of wine, so I’m not entirely sober.
Sober’s a funny word. It’s actually from the Latin sobrius. “Se” means “without” and and “ebrius means drunk. The actual origins are unknown.
That’s probably because they were drunk when they came up with it.
In any event, I’m in St. Catherines (Ontario), and I’m staying the night and my host had several bottles of wine.
Some of these bottles are now gone. Well, the bottles are still here. The contents are gone. Where they’ve gone is a bit of a chemical mystery, but some of it has been turned into pee.
I don’t often get drunk. I don’t like it much. Fucks up my thinking. I prefer a joint.
Can I say that? Joint?
Anyway, the alcohol has affected my t;hinking processes. What’s worse is my host only has Internet Explorer. I don’t like that. I prefer either Firefox of Chrome. Both of them check my spelling as I go along. My spelling is generally atrocious.
Anyway, my host is going to be going to California. He’s moving. He’s packed up all his books and is going to California. After he’s gone I have one more friend, and in April that friend is going to Mexico. That’s a whole other country. (Well, so is California, but somehow America isn’t quite as much another country as Mexico is.)
That leaves me with — hold on while I count on my fingers — uh, carry the zero — that leaves me with no friends. I somehow haven’t made any new friends in a while and now I find that’s a bit of a disadvantage. Cause now I don’t have any.
Shit.
That sucks.
On the plus side…I’m drunk. I’ve had four glasses of wine and now my head is all screwed up. Plus? This keyboard is weird.
Well, what do you expect from someone who uses Internet Exporer? Of course he’s got a fucked up keyboard.
So anyway, I just wanted to say — don’t drink alcohol. It makes you do stupid things like post idiotic things to your blog.
I’m going to go back and pretend I know what people are talking about.
I just wish it took more than four glasses of wine to get drunk.
Actually, what I really wish is that I’d had a joint at the beginning of the evening. Then I wouldn’t have had the wine. I woudn’t have a headache tomorrow. And I wouldn’t have poisoned my body.
Plus I also wish my last friends weren’t moving to foreign countries.
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I don't give a damn 
MikeWJ at TooManyMornings
December 7, 2009
Despite the fact that I resent you calling America a “foreign” country — we were here first, Canuck (not counting the Native Americans, of course) — I still consider you a friend. Now, I fully realize that I’m only an Internet buddy, but I think you have to take friendship where you find it in these days of estrangement. I say this in a strongly positive way in a feeble attempt to cover up the fact that I find friendships, or perhaps I should say the loss of friendships, extremely disheartening, which is a British way of saying painful and sad. Friends are hard to come by and even harder to keep. So I’m sorry you’re bummed out, and sorry you’re bent out of joint. Or just out of joint. I hope your hangover isn’t too bad, either. Oh, as an aside, I’m actually somewhat relieved to hear that your spelling is rather atrocious. So is mine, and, like you, I actually get paid to spell well. The guilt of that fact is often overwhelming.
probablydontlikeyou
December 8, 2009
Thanks Mike. Fact is I do appreciate my Internet friends, and I’m especially happy to have run across someone like you. Still, it’s a bit sobering (despite the wine) to realize that the people you’ve known for the past quarter century (or more) are all scattered to the winds.
As for spelling, I’ve always maintained that bad spellers make the best editors because we never simply assume that a word is spelled correctly. (And I do think that the semi-colon I added in “thinking” gives it a badly needed panache.)
MikeWJ at TooManyMornings
December 8, 2009
According to the Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Drunken Dictionary, 11th Edition, thinking is supposed to have a semi-colon when you’re writing in drunk-speak. So, technically, you were correct. Curiously, however, when drunken “thinking” is spoken aloud, the colon is silent and the “th” is pronounced like an “s,” which makes the word sound like sinking. Seems remarkably appropriate, doesn’t it?
MikeWJ at TooManyMornings
December 7, 2009
Please delete the first comment, as it contains at least one error. And I’m not even drunk.
probablydontlikeyou
December 8, 2009
Done.
nonamedufus
December 7, 2009
Hey I’m with Mike. Well, I’m not actually WITH Mike, I’m really closer to you, due east. Anyway I agree with his sentiments…well except for that foreign America shit. Anyway, I just wanted to say real friends don’t let friends get drunk. But of course you don’t have to worry about that anymore, friend.
probablydontlikeyou
December 8, 2009
Nope — I can now get drunk anytime I want.
Leeuna
December 8, 2009
Hey Frank, You’ll still have us…well, that wasn’t much help now was it? Sometimes getting drunk isn’t such a bad thing unless you fall down or throw up. Then it can get pretty involved. Hope you aren’t hung over too much tomorrow/today.
Sorry that your friend is moving away, but you can still keep in touch and maybe visit one another sometimes. I know it won’t be the same, but the two of you will still be friends.
Cheers
PS. You’re very funny when you’re drunk.
probablydontlikeyou
December 8, 2009
I do appreciate my Internet friends, and on occasion getting drunk can be fun. Of course, it’s not the getting drunk part that usually concerns me — it’s the headache and nausea afterwards. I got off very lightly this weekend, though. Woke up fine, even if tired from lack of sleep.
And it’s always nice to know I’m a funny drunk. Better than a mean one.
Lorena
December 12, 2009
Is it wrong that the only thing I got out of this post were fond memories of Gone With The Wind?
In all honesty, any time I read something you’ve written, I think longingly of Clark Gable.
It’s not your fault. You just look so much like him…and there’s something about your name that just reminds me of Rhett.
My best friend is getting married in February. I kind of have a one friend policy. So when she gets married I will be, for all intents and purposes, friendless. It’s hard to have sleepovers whenever you want when the person you’re inviting for a sleepover has a spouse waiting for them at their own house.
probablydontlikeyou
December 13, 2009
Clark Gable? I don’t see the resemblance, and I can’t think how Frank Lee MeiDere would remind you of Rhett — but to each his own.
As for the sleepover — your friend’s spouse may be far more willing than you think to not only allow it, but to take part himself. I’m just saying.