Watch out! “Gread Matter” coming!

Posted on June 20, 2009


Hes at his most receptive during breakfast

He's at his most receptive during breakfast

I recently intercepted a message for Barack Obama.

For some time now, a Tweeter called “iknowfuture” has been trying to draw the attention of German and American leaders to a man called Yun Feng, who apparently has the uncanny ability to see into the future. The poster’s Tweets all read:

“Note: Gread Matter will happen recently in USA and Germany Be careful.”

Exactly what this “Gread Matter” is, he wisely declines to elaborate upon: after all, you never know who might be reading these things. Plus, he’s only got 140 characters.

Now, however, iknowfuture has decided to approach these leaders by means of direct messages — or at least he has done so for Obama to whom he sent the following:

“Note:  Barack Obama, you must vist and respect YunFeng!!!”

How do I know? Because, iknowfuture’s important communication accidentally found its way into my direct message box.

While this is unfortunate, it’s unlikely that anyone else on Twitter has a better chance of relaying a message to the president of the United States than me. I’ve rubbed shoulders with some pretty famous people over the years.

I met Donny Osmond — or if not exactly met him, I am well-acquainted with my cousin’s daughter who danced in the chorus of his Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat when it came to Toronto. Plus, I once said hello to Jeff Daniels on the street during the International Film Festival. And back in the ’70s, I knew the minister who officiated at the secret wedding of Xaviera Hollander (The Happy Hooker) to a Toronto antique dealer.

With so much experience in dealing with the powerful and famous, I’d be more than willing to pass on iknowfuture’s message to Obama. All I’d have to do is make a few phone calls, buy the right kind of wait-staff outfit, infiltrate the White House catering agency, bide my time until a suitable opportunity presented itself, and then button-hole the president during a quiet moment at a state function.

Or maybe breakfast. Yes, breakfast might be better. And I should probably bring something for their dog. What’s his name? Checkers?

But I’d only do this if I judged the message to be of sufficient importance. To discover whether or not iknowfuture’s message warrants such attention, I investigated the “Yun Feng” website: “The one man who can predict natural disasters and save all the people in the world.”

That certainly sounds important.

In a post dated June 7, 2009, the headline reads:  “Gread Matter will happen recently in USA and Germany.” Below that is a black and white traditional Chinese drawing of a man on a thrown who is apparently enjoying oral sex. Is this the “Gread Matter” being warned of? Doubtful.

I'm sure there's a perfectly innocent explanation for this picture

Further down it reads:

Why must the leader of USA and Germany visit and respect YunFeng and us?

1. It relative the lives of the common people.

2. It also relative leader’s future.

3. We can point you-all avoid the Great Matter.

By now, of course, I’m more than half-way sold. But I’m a sceptic at heart, and I need some kind of proof that this Yun Feng actually has the ability to predict the future. Fortunately, the site contains numerous examples of his past success, including his 2008 predictions that tornadoes would strike Nebraska (a bold call since that state hardly ever has more than 40 or 50 tornadoes a year), and that California would experience brush fires.

I think you’ll agree — I have no choice. I have to go to the president.

I see the exchange happening something like this:

Obama: Just leave my eggs and juice on the bedside table there.

Me: Actually sir, I’ve come to bring you an important message.

Obama: Wait — aren’t you the person who said hello to Jeff Daniels in Toronto?

Me: Yes, sir. I am.

Obama: Pull a chair up to the side of the bed and sit down. Have you met Michelle?

Yep. Just like that.