The stupid crisis

Posted on June 29, 2009


You can stop waiting, Avril -- it wont be long now.

You can stop waiting, Avril -- it won't be long now.

We face a time of crisis. In fact, multiple crisis. Or is that crisises? Crises?

I think it’s crises.

Whatever the plural form of crisis is, we’ve got them.

We live on a poisoned planet. The food we eat, the air we breathe, the things we smell, and even the objects we touch are a riot of venomous chemicals. Making matters worse is the fact that because our life spans have increased and we’re staying more active into our old age, we’re exposed to these life-threatening toxins for longer periods of time.

But all of this aside, our real problem is that we are all too intelligent.

This may be hard to believe when you’re standing in line behind some woman at a checkout counter who, after every one of her items has been rung in, suddenly realises that she’s expected to pay for all this stuff and starts rummaging through her purse to make sure she gets the exact change, right down to the last penny. It may be hard to believe when faced with educators who think that phrases like “synthesize assessment-driven scaffolding” and “integrate holistic staff development” actually mean something, and that depriving children of knowledge about grammar and spelling is going to help them be more creative later in their lives. It may be especially hard to believe when flipping through the channels and realising that five out of six programs are now “reality shows” featuring people so dumb they don’t even know that they’re making fools of themselves, and who have actually fought hard to win their place as the “sullen slacker” or “back-stabbing diva.”

But however hard it may be to grasp, the fact is we are too reliant upon our intelligence.

We need more stupidity.

It must be true. When was the last time you saw television shows or movies in which the protagonists learned “to follow their heads, not their hearts”? Never. The message behind virtually every form of entertainment is exactly the opposite: that we must learn to trust our instincts, be faithful to our hearts, not listen to our heads.

We are a society of cold intellectuals. Every single teenage mother struggling to survive on welfare and unable to get a job because she had to quit school to look after her baby is in that position through careful and rational planning. Every gang member who shoots some stranger to death because he didn’t show the proper respect has committed his act based on reasoned logic. Every person who watches “Big Brother” or “The Simple Life” and thinks, “now that’s good entertainment” is judging the quality from a standpoint of circumspect rationality. Domestic violence, restraining orders, and the violence in the Mid East are all brought about through people over-thinking the situation.

No — our minds have controlled us for too long now. It’s time for our hearts to take over.

And I know how I’m going to start.

For several years now I’ve been sure that Avril Lavigne secretly wants to meet me. I saw her in an interview one time and when she looked into the camera I could tell that she desperately wanted me to contact her. It was obvious, and only the intrusion of my damnable intellect has stopped me from doing anything about it.

So don’t worry, Avril. I’m on my way. Soon you’ll be able to dump that loser husband you got saddled with and we can be together.