Not long ago, JohnnyB, an American, dared to complain (on this very blog) about my use of Canadian/British spelling — specifically, of the letter “u” in various words such as “colour” and “honour” (comment section of Getting rid of a mould infestation in four steps).
Granted, the English language is not one of the world’s more logical languages.
We’ll begin with box, and the plural is boxes.
But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes.
Then one fowl is goose, but two are called geese.
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
To add to the complications, when speaking metaphorically we often use the “wrong” form of the plural. For instance, we would say, “Those two dancers are bumbling around like a couple of oxes,” not “a couple of oxen.”
On the other hand, we wouldn’t say “those two are as clever as foxen,” rather than “foxes” — so it’s not like it’s a general rule or anything.
So I’ll admit that English has its spelling peculiarities and that I have a little bit of sympathy for those who want to simplify it.
After all, English speakers are just about the only people who having spelling bees because if you asked the speaker of some other language how to spell a word, they’d look at you and say, “You spell it the way it sounds, you moron.” Except, of course, they’d say it in that other language.
But before you get all indignant and blameful and stuff about English, remember this: it’s not our fault.
It isn’t. English is actually as logical as any other language. The problem is, the language we speak — that is, the language we know as “English” — has almost no English in it. In fact, depending upon which authority you ask, English makes up only 1.5% to 2% of our language.
Are you getting that? Almost 98% of what we speak is not English.
Ironically — while most of the words we use aren’t English, English has the largest vocabulary in the world.
It all started when Rome invaded in the first century, bringing with them roads, baths, and the Latin vocabulary (since the Romans hadn’t yet devolved to speaking Italian.) When they left a few centuries later, the Danes invaded, bringing with them horned hats, delicious pastries and the Danish vocabulary. When the Danes were finally beaten back, England started to pull itself together linguistically. And then we were invaded by the French, who were cleverly calling themselves “Normans” so people woudn’t hate them. (It didn’t work.) With the French came rude service, butter sauces, and the French vocabulary.
Although English had struggled some during the previous invasions, Norman rule almost wiped it out. French was the language of the courts and all official business, and Englishmen with any standing at all made sure that they learned the language. Basically, the only people still speaking English were the serfs. Even this wouldn’t have been so bad, perhaps, but along with their language, Normans also brought feudalism: a repressive cultural institution in which peasants were restricted to one plot of land. This meant that travel became exceedingly rare. As a result, while the English language changed (as all languages do), there were no longer lines of communication linking these changes together. As a result, it changed in random directions all over the country, and a serf from one village may not be able to understand a serf from another village 25 miles away.
Fortunately, the English language (which by now consisted of Latin, Danish, and French) was saved by its greatest ally: The Black Death.
When the plague killed of more than a third of the workforce in the 14th century, the serfs and peasants suddenly had a bargaining advantage. They got to travel, and those in power actually started to learn some English in order to speak to them.
Over the next century, the English beat back the Normans (who gave up on trying to get people to like them and started admitting that they were French). The next step was putting the English language into some kind of order, but that wasn’t an easy task what with so many different dialects.
So for a “standard” we turned to London which had been around since early Roman times (not to be confused with early Times Roman), and through the centuries had developed a kind of street language combining elements from a large number of dialects.
From this point on, English started to develop into the language we know today.
The spelling, however, was all over the map.
Of course, few people noticed this until the printing press came along and people like Samuel Johnson started publishing dictionaries. To bring some semblance of order to the spelling, words were spelled more or less according to their language of origin.
For instance, our spelling of “honour” and “colour” reflects the fact that these words are from the French, a language that often spells words with “ou.”
Not, however, “honour’ and “colour,” which they spelled honore and colore. But many other words in French are spelled with “ou” and so we stuck it in these words as well.
Oh sure, if you want to be technical, it’s what you might call a “mistake” or an “error.” Picky people might point out that it’s an “inaccuracy,” a “miscue,” a “goof-up.”
But so what? It’s a long-standing tradition, and it allows us to make subtle distinctions between two meanings of the same word.
Take “mould” for example. In British/Canadian spelling we have two words: “mould” and “mold.” This allows us to make a distinction between the stuff that grows on your walls when the hot-water tap won’t shut off (mould), and something that can be used as a form to make something (mold).
And then there’s “check” and “cheque.” When Canadians want to make sure something is right, we “check” it. But when we have to pay money to someone, we run away, change our names, and move all our assets to an offshore account.
Failing that, we write a “cheque.”
And then there’s — uh.
Well, there’s… .
Okay, so there aren’t any more. But that’s not the point.
The point is, we spell various words with an extra “u” because it’s a mistake we made a long time ago. But we have the proud blood of the English and don’t knuckle under to pressure merely because something that we’ve been doing for hundreds of years isn’t right. We have principles. We have integrity.
We’ve laboured on our mistakes, and we have the honour to stand by them, damn it.
And that makes us colourful.
So lay off my “u”!
JohnnyB
October 18, 2009
Thanks for this informative disertation. I love the vague vagaries of English. The fact that “read” has two pronunciations, the way that “wife” becomes “wives” in the plural, the suggestion that “ghoti” might be pronounced “fish” (“gh” from enough, “o” from women and “ti” from any word ending in “tion”)
My limerick on the subject:
To learn English spelling is rough
I’m sure that you can do it, though
Just go with the flow
And reap what you sew
With effort, you will plough through
probablydontlikeyou
October 21, 2009
One that gets me is “used to” which can be used to indicate something from the past (“I used to have a pet duck”) or to indicate something to which you’ve become accustomed (“I’m pretty used to such things now”). I want separate words for these!
Great poem.
JohnnyB
October 21, 2009
or to indicate function (“…which can be used to indicate…”)
One Sassy Girl
October 18, 2009
Damn, I just learned a lot. And I don’t care how you spell, so long as you use it’s/its properly ;)
probablydontlikeyou
October 21, 2009
Agreed. Also “they’re,” “there,” and “their.”
Leeuna
October 20, 2009
I don’t care how many times you use the letter U, just hurry back. We’re getting loUnely here without you and your U.
Srsly, hope you’re feeling better from the bleach.
probablydontlikeyou
October 21, 2009
Next appointment next week, but basically everything’s pretty much back to normal. Now my only problem is the number of assignments I’ve got to mark.
Thanks for asking, though.
probablydontlikeyou
October 21, 2009
D’oh! Of course. Good catch.
nonamedufus
October 21, 2009
Fascinating. But can you tell me why we drive on the parkway and park on the driveway?
probablydontlikeyou
October 26, 2009
Speaking of “drive,” the word generally indicates active involvement, as in “If I drive the puck into the net I can get a goal,” or “He’s driving me crazy.” On the other hand, “ride” is more passive, as in “I am riding the bus.”
So why do we “drive” our cars (which involves nothing more than pressing down on a pedal), but we “ride” our bikes (which involves sweat-inducing work)?
Skye
October 26, 2009
If you’re interested in more fun with the English language, you may want to check this out.
I Love the English Language (from Weekly Injection of Chuckles)
Sorry, but I don’t know how to make it into an actual link in comments section. As it is, I actually learned some history about the language, thanks :)
probablydontlikeyou
October 26, 2009
I did it for you. Thanks for the link.
Skye
November 2, 2009
You’re welcome for the link, and thank you for making it work :)
MikeWJ at TooManyMornings
November 2, 2009
My father is American, my mother is English, and a I attended both American and English elementary schools. As a result, I can’t spell or diagram a sentence. However, when people say, “Hey, Mike, how come a professional writer like you doesn’t know how to spell ‘colour?’ ” I say, “Hey, fouck off before I boot you in the arse because I was frightfully well educated on ye olde Continente, you ignorante pricke!” That usually shuts them up because, truth be told, almost nobody knows how to spell.
So my point is, thank you for this delightfully informative column, Frank. It’s not only colourful, but also does a very nice job of reframing the entire “English Only” movement here in the U.S. by pointing out that English is quite as pure as it seems. Wonderful! I’m so appreciative, in fact, that I’m putting a cheque in the mail, so be sure to check your box often. Your mailbox, I mean. Damn, language can be tricky.
MikeWJ at TooManyMornings
November 2, 2009
First sentence should read: “…and I attended…”
Second sentence, second paragraph, should read: “…by pointing out that English ISN’T quite as pure as it seems.”
I really ought to read what I’ve written before I hit the “Submit Comment” button!
talia
December 9, 2009
I enjoy replacing the actual plural forms of the words “house” and “spouse” with “hice” and “spice,” respectively.
probablydontlikeyou
December 9, 2009
Robert Heinlein always said, “The plural of ‘spouse’ is ‘spice,'” so you’re in good company.