Jessica Simpson, Demi Moore, and me

Posted on March 8, 2012

14



Well, I did my best.

Unsatisfied with the quality of WordPress’s choices for their daily “Freshly Pressed” feature, I decided to write a post guaranteed to get selected, and thereby rake in a massive traffic boost. After careful scientific analysis, I determined that successful posts fell into six categories:

  1. Food
  2. Travel to exotic locales
  3. Photography
  4. Parenting
  5. The journey to becoming a writer
  6. Lists

So, my post included a recipe on making Shredded Wheat, photos taken with my cellphone camera of our our trip to exotic Niagara-on-the-Lake (20 minutes from where we live), advice on parenting, advice on the journey to becoming a writer, and lists.

I posted the night before last, then waited for my hundreds and hundreds of hits.

And what did I get yesterday?

Hundreds and hundreds of hits.

Seriously. Hundreds and hundreds. Where I generally get between 15 to 25 hits a day, yesterday I got 814. That’s better than a 3100% increase. I not only got more hits than any other day in the history of this blog, I got more hits than I get for most months.

And it turns out that it’s all because of Jessica Simpson.

Whom I’ve never once mentioned.

Avril Lavigne. A Google neighbour.

I’ve spoken of such influential women as Jana Parizkova (Member of Czech Parliament, and Pollster for the Public Affairs Party) and Jenny McCarthy (Playboy model and medical expert on vaccines). I’ve talked about movie stars such as  Michelle Pfeiffer, Elizabeth Taylor, and Frances Arden (Fred’s maid in the 1953 version of A Christmas Carol). And I’ve mentioned Big Bang Theory‘s Kaley Cuoco, Glee‘s Jane Lynch, and Firefly‘s wonderfully bizarre and talented Summer Lau.

I may even have mentioned singer Avril Lavigne once or twice, whose photo I’ve include above for identification purposes.

But Jessica Simpson? Nope. Never.

My wife. My personal combination of Avril and Jessica.

Jessica puzzling over the difference between fish and fowl.

That’s not to say I don’t like her. I think she’s sweet. I’ve never paid much attention to her, mind you, but I did see one episode of her reality TV show. It was the one in which she was eating Chicken of the Sea™ tuna and asked her husband if it was chicken or tuna. Everybody, including her husband, made fun of her, but I didn’t. My wife, despite her university education and amazing ability for logical analysis (or possibly even because of it), is prone to making equally gullible comments, so Jessica’s question just served to endear her to me.

Still, the fact remained that the name Jessica Simpson has never, until this post, appeared in my blog.

So how could she be sending all this traffic my way?

Jessica Simpson in her more innocent days.

Well, it’s a bit complicated. I had no idea why all these people were suddenly showing up at my blog (not one of whom so much as left a comment. Huh!). Making matters even more confusing was the fact that almost all of them were going straight to a post I did a year ago on the thriving baby industry in the virtual world of Second Life (“Second Life: The miracle of virtual birth“). Upon examining my statistics more closely, however, I discovered that all these hits were the result of people searching for the photo of a nude, pregnant Demi Moore from the cover of Vanity Fair — which I had used as a graphic for the post.

“Well,” I thought, “that explains it.”

And then I thought, “Wait a minute. No it doesn’t! Why are all these people looking for that old photo of Demi Moore?”

Sure, I get the occasional hit for that, but it’s at the rate of one or two a week — certainly not several hundred in one day.

Jessica Simpson 2012. Demi Moore 1991. Bad ideas never get old.

So I did a Google news search on “Demi Moore pregnant photo” and discovered that Jessica Simpson, as The Houston Chronicle explains it, “is doing the nude and pregnant Demi Moore thing.

This, apparently, is such big news, that thousands of people are busily searching the internet for photos of both the Jessica Simpson image and the Demi Moore image (probably for comparison purposes).

And that’s why yesterday, on a blog that routinely gets under 30 visits a day, I got 814 hits.

814.

Oh — and that post I did? The one guaranteed to get on the Freshly Pressed page and bring hundreds and hundreds of hits?

Eight.

Eight people have read it.

Yep. I know what I’m doing, all right.

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