Some plastic surgery is better than others.
For what it’s worth, the following story really took place. I am not making up a word of this.
At a family gathering about 20 years ago, several of us were sitting around the kitchen table when the talk turned to plastic surgery. My father-in-law, Don, expressed his overall opinion on the subject by rattling his tea cup and saying “Hrumf” — or something so close to “Hrumf” that only linguists could tell the difference.
Really anal linguists, at that.
But while Don seemed perfectly content to let “Hrumf” convey every nuanced argument of his position, his wife, Ruth, began telling us about one of Don’s relatives who, due to lack of money, had undergone plastic surgery in a rather piece-meal fashion.
“She got one side of her mouth done,” said Ruth.
“Hrumf,” said Don.
“And one of her eyes.”
“Oh, for –”
“And one side of her face.”
Finally it was too much for Don.
“For God’s sake, Ruth,” he barked. “She didn’t have plastic surgery, she had a stroke!”
I actually fell off the chair.
No word of a lie.
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I don't give a damn 
Nicky
May 7, 2010
Oh Frank, that is hysterical! Tell me is it really, really true…cross your heart and needle in the eye truth?
Frank Lee MeiDere
May 8, 2010
I swear it. When I was young I had trouble with jokes that purportedly happened to someone, but were really just jokes. I almost turned off Red Skelton for a while because I found out that his “A funny thing happened on the way to the studio” jokes weren’t really things that had happened to him on the way to the studio. It’s not that jokes had to be true. I knew that jokes like, “So this man walks into a bar” and the like weren’t true, but I could still appreciate the funny. To me, however, the personalised joke (as in, “this happened to me”) were extra funny for being true. Finding out that in many cases they weren’t was a turn-off. (I was also a very literal child, so there’s that too.)
Anyhow, the point is, this is what happened. Only the names have been changed to protect the hideously disfigured. (And I didn’t so much change the name as leave it out because I couldn’t remember.)
00dozo
May 8, 2010
My sister once said that, if she ever wrote a book about her life, she would change the names to, “protect the guilty”.
Frank Lee MeiDere
May 8, 2010
If I wrote a book about my family, I’d be changing a lot of the names because I can’t remember who they are.
Nicky
May 9, 2010
…the hideously disfigured! Frank, you kill me :-)
BTW, should you happen to be in my neighbourhood, stop in. I’ve got something for you…
MikeWJ at TooManyMornings
May 10, 2010
My problem is even worse: I can’t remember jokes, I can’t remember by relatives names, and I don’t care that I can’t do either except when somebody expects me to be funny on the spot, or my cousins know all about me and I accuse of them of being stalkers. There is one exception, however: I remember a rather long, involved joke about a rude parrot. I’ve told it hundreds of times, and it’s always funny to me, but not necessarily to anybody else, even my relatives, who are humor starved.
As for your story, it’s priceless. Actually, not priceless. You ought to send it in to Reader’s Digest, and see if you can collect $300 for passing go. It’d be perfect for them, as it was for us.
Frank Lee MeiDere
May 10, 2010
“…or my cousins know all about me and I accuse of them of being stalkers.”
Now that’s a laugh worth being up at 3:40 in the morning for.
Having people expect you to be funny on the spot is rather awkward. Years ago, while working at JWT, one of our supervisors went to work at another company and arranged for me to take a leave of absence in order to go with her and help get things set up. On my first day someone walked up to my desk and said, “Mary’s told me all about your sense of humour. Say something funny.” I stood up, shook her hand and said, “I’m very happy to meet you.” It took her a moment, but she started laughing.
00dozo
May 8, 2010
True or not, that story was a scream! Good thing I wasn’t sipping my coffee when I read that.
I’m still lauging..
A great morning smile.
*cackle*
Frank Lee MeiDere
May 8, 2010
It was a great moment of comedy relief in an otherwise increasingly tense situation. Glad your keyboard’s still safe.
00dozo
May 8, 2010
Yeah, my ‘oops’ there. Well, it was early in the morning afterall.
p.s. I did get a new keyboard, but it didn’t come with a morning brain.
Frank Lee MeiDere
May 8, 2010
On the snopes message board, a new acronym was launched: YOMANK = You Owe Me A New Keyboard. I don’t know if it’s gone into wider use or not, but I always liked that one.
Another from the snopes board is NSFBSK = Not Safe For British School Kids. Used to indicate sexual or gross content.
00dozo
May 9, 2010
The penny (finally) dropped about the keyboard comment you made. D’oh! (I thought I had posted a comment somewhere regarding my current keyboard issues and that you were referring to it.)
The Brits are that ‘pooh-poo”?
But, no, YDOMANK (where “D” = Don’t).
Leeuna
May 8, 2010
oh my! This is hilarious. I’m with you that ‘true’ jokes are a lot funnier than those that are made up. And some people are just naturally funny with the things they do and say, even though they aren’t even trying to be funny.
Frank Lee MeiDere
May 8, 2010
There was definitely no attempt to be funny in this instance. Sometimes the Comedy God just lays his finger on someone.
Ziva
May 8, 2010
That was a little horrible, but very funny. For what it’s worth, I’d totally have one side of my face done if I had the money. That way I would only be half as ugly.
Frank Lee MeiDere
May 8, 2010
I’d do it so I could become a super-villain, like Haf-and-Haf from Dick Tracy or Two-Face from Batman.
MikeWJ at TooManyMornings
May 10, 2010
P.S. — The television show “30 Rock” has a running joke going right now about Liz Lemmon’s mom, who had one boob lifted and perkyfied and is saving to get the other one done asap. It’s pretty funny.