The answer to “Who wrote the book of love?” and other questions from love songs.

Posted on September 20, 2009

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The Monotones didnt know -- but now you do.

Despite Celine Dion’s musical instance that “Love doesn’t ask why,” the fact is, love songs are chock full of questions.

What they’re short on are answers.

In the spirit of I’ll Be Damned if I’m Working on Curriculum Any More This Weekend, I’ve taken it upon myself to research and answer some of these timeless queries.

Question:

“Why do birds suddenly appear
“Any time, you are near?”
The Carpenters

Answer:

Because the object of your affection is a social outcast who has spent the last ten years sitting alone on a park bench feeding pigeons.

Question:

“Why do love feel like this?”
Jordin Sparks

Answer:

As a result of your poor grasp of grammar, you read the instructions incorrectly, threw out the condom, and are wearing the foil wrapper.

Question:

“Who am I? Where am I?
“Why do I feel this way?”
Jesus Jones

Answer:

Rohypnol

Question:

“Where is love?”
– Oliver

Answer:

This, of course, depends on the city in which you live, but here in Toronto, a good place to start looking is the corner of Jarvis and Wellesley.

Question:

“Who are you?”
The Who

Answer:

Tiffany, and you owe me for the whole night.

Question:

“Do you really want to hurt me?”
Boy George

Answer:

Yes, but it will be fine as long as you remember the safe word.

Question:

“Why can’t we be friends?
“Why can’t we be friends?
“Why can’t we be friends?
“Why can’t we be friends?”
War

Answer:

Because you repeat yourself.
Because you repeat yourself.
Because you repeat yourself.
Because you repeat yourself.

Question:

“Where did our love go?”
The Supremes

Answer:

Schenectady. Love always goes to Schenectady, except during January and February when it spends time at its beach-front cottage in Barbados.

Question:

“What did you think I would do at this moment?”
Billy and the Beaters

Answer:

Not entirely sure, but if the knife is any kind of clue I’m pretty sure I won’t like it.

Question:

“Do you know the way to San Jose?”
Burt Bacharach

Answer:

What am I? A travel agency? Look it up on Google Maps, for crying out loud.

Question:

“How did we get here?”
Paramore

Answer:

See “Do you know the way to San Jose?”

Question:

“Who (who) who wrote the book of love.”
Monotones

Answer:

Jeremy Sichmore, a county clerk in North Dakota, started work for the county in 1889 at the age of 18, but always longed to be a writer. His chance came in 1910 when a friend, who had just come out of a bad relationship, idly wished that love came with an instruction manual. Over the next three years, Sichmore compiled the material for his book, completing it in September, 1913. For the next six decades, The Book of Love was never out of print, but during the sexual revolution of the sixties, it fell out of favour as a new generation attempted to redefine the rules of romance. Sichmore lived to be 94, dying on June 15, 1965.

And there you have it.

If you have any other questions from love songs you want answered, please send them to FrankLeeMeiDere@gmail.com.

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